My grandmother is not going to stay in home for this Diwali. But we have a tradition of giving new clothes and sweets to people working on our agricultural farm and jewelary. So, when I called her to ask about this week’s outing permission from my college hostel, she assigned me many tasks to complete in return for the permission to go out and some extra pocket money. she insisted me to buy those things and distribute them to workers this year by myself after coming to hyderbad for holidays.

When I replied, “I don’t know anything, how can you expect me to do all these things?”

she said, “chinnu, you are growing up and now you are in 12th grade. you are not a kid anymore. try to take some responsibility. buy the required things for diwali while coming for the holidays, I already transferred enough money to your bank account. if you need help selecting those things, you just call me”.

She continued with a few more instructions before putting down the phone. I too moved on from the landline phone in my sri chaitanya campus, thinking how can I do all these things alone?

In simple words to make you understand, the dewali tradition in our home is like giving a new dress to workers. shirt and pants to male workers, saree to female workers, and few sweet boxes. It looks simple, but my main task now is recollecting every worker in our farm and jewelary and imagining their body measurements by tapping the memory line in my little brain. But I gave a little break to all these thoughts when the warden nagaraju sir announced that from next sunday onwards after that week’s biology test diwali holidays for us.

At that time, grandma are staying in hyderabad. But me studying in vizag. she didn’t want to disturb my studies, so she left me in vizag only. I booked bus tickets to hyderabad.

My roommate, srinath, is packing and repacking his bags every day. He always goes home with one little bag but comes back to the hostel with four big bags filled with a lot of sweets to eat during study hours. There are three people in our hostel room. me, srinath, and ajay. three of us are from different parts of our state. though we fight with each other, we are together whenever we argue with other roommates.

Finally, sunday came. I wrote the exams super perfectly and packed everything. grandma most times send me the car to pick me up from college, but I insisted not to send this time. because few of my college friends are coming to hyderabad for holidays. so I really want to travel with them rather than sitting alone, silent in the car.

Went to the bus station complex in Vizag. four of my batchmates too were waiting for the same bus. I can see a lot of people waiting for different buses to reach their respective destinations. how interesting it is to see people waiting at the same place, but their goals and destination are different, just like me and my roommate, srinath. he wants to do architecture, not MBBS. we both dream under the same ceiling fan, but our destinations and dreams are completely different.

Still, I really love the effort srinath put into convincing his father that he doesn’t want to become a doctor. rather he wants to become an architect. he is just super convincing while talking with anybody, even convincing his father, and may become an architect one day but for six months he is not able to convince that “c” section girl to come for a coffee with him.

I came to my senses when I suddenly listened to the bighorn sound from our bus. I got onto our bus, and all our batchmates sat together. After a few minutes, everybody settled into their respective things, and a few were listening to music, a few watching the movie playing in the bus Tv, but most of them were sleeping. I thought that sometimes group travel becomes solo travel too when we have lazy company.

But me thinking about the big task in my hand after going to home, which is buying diwali presents for workers. I sat at the window seat and looked through the window, enjoying the lovely cool soothing breeze. I was recollecting all the people who work in my house.

After thinking about, seetamma, venkateswarlu Uncle, that revathi came into my thoughts. no, she won’t work in our house. her father srinivasulu’s uncle, is grandma’s car driver. he always looks super serious, not so goto person for me. that’s one more reason why I insisted grandma not to send me the car to pick me up. so now for this diwali, along with him, I will buy a good saree for revathi akka also. I have one reason to buy a saree for revathi akka that, grandma told me last time that her marriage was fixed, and she unable to attend her engagement that happened last week due to his outstation work. though my grandma didn’t told me to buy her anything but this saree present is from my side for her marriage.

I share a different kind of bond with revathi akka. she is not old enough to marry now, but she stopped her studies after the 10th class due to their family’s financial burdens. their house is super far from our home. if you see the ravathi akka home you wont probably don’t call that a home. It’s a small village house with very basic amenities and still they need to bring water from colony water source since they don’t have a own water connection in their home. she is like a yellow flower blooming in the mud. seriously she is beautiful, always smiling but I will think that she is in the wrong place. a few times she comes to our house to help my grandmother. but every time she saw me, her only question was how my studies were going on and about my college hostel life. she never forgets to enquire about my studies and my rank in the class its shows her interest in studies.

and as she is from hyderabad, shenever seen the ocean or beach at any time in her life. she used to always enquires about oceans like “Is beaches are just like how it is shown in the movies, Is it that much blue and peaceful? I really wanted to see a beach from my childhood, but my father took me to any beach though I asked him many times.”

Few times my grandmother teased her like “Your future husband will surely take you to beach revathi! or marry someone from our vizag so that you can see the beach every day”

probably love for beaches for both of us connected raventhi akka and me.

I really love her innocence. I rarely see those qualities from workers who work in our jewelary, and they look super cunning to my eyes. but that was not the case with revathi. she always has a smiling face and, is true to everyone. at least I felt that way when I see her.

I can’t guess how she knows that I love tiger rice so much. when I was in hyderabad, she would bring me a box full of tiger rice and walk nearly 4 to 5km from her home to our house just to give me my favorite dish. meanwhile, while I was eating, she will keep updating about all things happened in home when I was not there in hyderabad.

raw mango pickle, banana milkshake, she is a pro in making those things. whenever she comes home, she helps my grandmother in many ways though we won’t give her any salary or something. she is super active like a wild fish in the pond. I have never seen a minute of tiredness in her eyes. do you know how my grandma and revathi connected? they see the same serials in the TV… They discuss serials just like they are really happening in our neighbour’s houses.

I also laugh a lot when I listen to the conversation between my grandmother and revathi akka. their conversations goes like this usually

My grandmother “what revathi, why are you hiding from me yesterday in the temple?

Revathi “nothing grandma, I felt shy as I wore a saree to the temple, thinking that you would tease me if you see me like that.”

My grandMother “no..no! you are just superb in that saree, and it suited you well. you just got ready like a heroine. tell me for whom you got ready like that?”

Revathi “really, I learned how to carry and wear a saree by watching daily serials.

Me (interrupting) “what did you learn how to get ready from daily serials?”

Revathi “yes.”

My grandmother “that’s good, learn more from the serials revathi, like how to handle your future husband also “

three of us just laughed out loud……..

That was the last time I talked with her. now that innocent girl is ready to get married, and I am just imagining how shy she felt on her engagement day. I don’t know when I slept while thinking about her.

After getting down from the bus, I saw my grandmother friend waiting in the car came to pick me up at the station. You know I love to see someone I know just after getting down from the bus otherwise I hate it to get onto another bus or auto to reach till our house after a long travel from vizag to hyderabad.

After going home, I drank hot coffee and slept for some time. later I called my grandmother “what’s the plan, only two days left for diwali. you assigned me to buy presents for workers. who will come along with me to the market in the afternoon?”

She said “I already listed out the dress measurements of all the workers. you just need to select the colors chinnu. you can do this boy, learn slowly by doing small works. take our new driver for any assistance.”

Why a new driver? what happened to old driver srinivasulu uncle? she didn’t reply to anything and cut the my call. I thought maybe he was busy with the revathi akka marriage works, so I forget about him in no time.

The next day, I went straight to one textile showroom, gave all the measurements to the shopkeeper, and asked him to show me only the top fast-moving colors. I selected a few, and the list was almost completed. The only remaining things to buy are sarees for seetamma and revathi.

I went to the women’s saree floor in that showroom. I selected one saree for seetamma, but choosing a saree for revathi akka became super difficult for me because she is young and fair, I felt most of the sarees are not suitable for her. she may look much older than if she wears things like this. At last after many filters and filters I selected one, the ocean blue color saree, for her. I really loved it so much, I thought that she will look like blue jasmine in this saree

One day before diwali, I distributed everything I brought to all the workers and maids except to revathi Akka. srinivasulu uncle or revathi akka didn’t come to our home that day. so I want to wait till tomorrow. I thought like grandmother did not attend her engagement, so maybe they were a little upset about it. If they didn’t turn up tomorrow, I decided to go to their house and surprise them.

Diwali day came. I waited till 11 AM, but they didn’t turn up, so I took one of workers bike and went to revathi akka’s house. I don’t know their exact address,, but that basti is not so big, so I am confident that if i inquire, its not so difficult to find her house. so i went and enquired. I finally found out their house. but I was a little happy and excited that revathi akka would definitely feel surprised if she saw me coming to their house for her.

I entered their home, and it was so silent. one old lady is in the corner of the house, probably her mother. I asked her about sreenivasulu uncle first, and maybe she was in a bad mood or something. she said angrily he was in the bathroom, wait for a few minutes outside, he will come and meet you. after seeing her angry face, I said okay, and decided not to ask her any more questions.

Sreenivasulu uncle came out after some five minutes and asked me what happened and why I had come all the way to their home.

I said, “nothing important uncle I just came to give dewali saree to akka. where is revathi akka uncle?”

He was super silent, and I asked again.
He started crying, and after two minutes, he just started crying so heavily, and I sensed something wrong and said I will come after some time uncle

Then he suddenly started scolding his wife (that same angry lady who sat at the corner) and shouted so loud that “because of this devil, I lost my daughter babu pointing towards his wife.”

“she killed my innocent princess,” and he is still continued crying very loud. I was super shocked, and somehow I managed to come out of that house.

I returned back to my house from there. though I was driving the bike, my mind was very messed up. I was worried about what happened to revathi akka, so many things were going on in my mind. I don’t know how I reached home.

The first thing I did after coming home was I called my grandmother and asked about what happened to revathi akka? I even shared a picture of a saree that I bought for her with my grandmother. she too started crying and told me that “she died.”

My mind took a minute to understand those two words. I asked again to confirm if what I just listened to was “what? Is revathi akka died ?”
My grandma said that “she committed suicide”.

I was really shocked, such a innocent girl who just ran away from cockroaches out of fear committed suicide. I just cut the call and was quiet for some time. later that evening, I again called my grandmother. she now told me what happened.

My grandmother told me that after this incident, she enquired the neighbours. they said to her that “revathi’s own mother died when she was one year old, and later her father srinivasulu married another woman. she is the present mother (one who replied to me angry)

The same woman started torturing revathi, harasing her saying words like “now your marriage got fixed, your rich father agreed to give five lakhs as dowry, stating that this match is a good one for settling well in your life. For that, he took away all my gold ornaments and even tried to mortgage this house, now you will go and settle well in your life by leaving us in poverty and not knowing how we will be? What do we eat? Princess!”

Revathi akka step-mother said like “you are as selfish as your dead mother and don’t think about us. you want only your happiness at the cost of mine and my son’s future. your father too went mad and agreed for all the financial presents to the bridegroom without giving thought about us and our future. If this happens, there is no way for my other son and for me than to die before your marriage. You happily marry over our dead bodies”

Revati akka replied to her “what should I do now? I didn’t ask dad to fix my marriage with any particular person. forget about that specific person. I didn’t even ask for any marriage right now. you tell me what I should do than harrasing me everyday like this when dad is not in home”

Revathi akka step-mother ” no other option in front of us, your father already started all the preparations, took away my gold and house papers to mortgage in the bank. only my death or your death only stop this.”

My grandmother continued, “We don’t know what they discussed after that. all these was shared with me by the neighbours of srinivasulu uncle house, revathi committed suicide by using her marriage saree by hanging from a fan. she died while taking her to the hospital. her father cried like hell and none of us were able to console him chinnu. out of that sorrow, he became a drunkard after this. so I asked him not to come for work and take some months off and appointed a new driver.

I can sense the so much sorrow in my grandmother’s voice revathi akka is more close to her than me so I cant say anything to my grandma, I felt so helpless at that time and I cut the call.

It got me thinking for so many days, whose mistake is this? That selfish stepmother? or revathi akka’s innocence? whatever may be the reason, one lovely life stopped suddenly.

I became restless for 3-4 days. I don’t know on whom I should show my anger, unknown frustration.

I still had a few unanswered questions in my mind about that stepmother. why is she is that much selfish? she thought about her other son but not about her daughter. Revathi Akka never told my grandmother or to me that she was her stepmother. She always told her mother is always caring and she showed so much respect and love for her though her stepmother does not treat her so well.

Now also whenever I read about any news of suicides, Revathi Akka comes to my thoughts.

I really want to ask her just one question “what she had achieved by sacrificing her own life”? her stepmother looks normal when I see her some days after revathi death at a function wearing all her gold ornaments. her father completely lost his mind. people she loved the most are unhappy and full of grief but the one who is reason for all this is seems so happy and living her life as nothing happened at all. I think committing suicide for people who don’t care about you is a super foolish thought. may be at that particular moment, it looks like a solution, but it’s not.

If she could have look around ask for help or open up about her situation and problems to people like my grandma, they could have helped her come out of those problems, for someone 5 lakhs is not a big amount or they could have settle this problem in some other way, its better to seek out for help when needed.

Revathi akka betrayed herself, and she betrayed everyone who loved her. I kept the ocean blue saree that I brought for her along with the sarees of my mother.

I always remember the drawing you gave me on my birthday. When you are drawn and one kid sitting on the beach looking at the moon, the sky is filled with many stars. I didn’t understand any meaning in it, and when I asked you about the meaning of this drawing, you said that the kid was me, and the moon was my mother. You are one of the stars. You are really a star but stopped sparkling suddenly.

No one never win anything by giving up their lives. by committing suicide, they not only lose their own life, they even take many lives with them along with that they take away happiness of their loved ones with them. People like ravathi akka father would probably died when she is died, but their bodies are still here, just roaming around and waiting to meet her up there. Any one thinking about suicide should know that giving this situation to your loved ones is more pathetic than your real death itself.

This is Ravi Yalavarthi and I will see you soon, Click here to read about other women who influenced me